Afraid we are heading to divorce, need advice!

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Yesterday, 02:54 PM	? #1 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Aug 2012 Posts: 2	Background information is as follows: My wife and I have been married for almost 3 and a half years. Recently, she had to find a new job and was forced out of a career she loves, working with horses. The job she has now is an office job. About a month ago, she went out with friends after work for the 4th of July and I was not invited. She came home late, drunk, and without her wedding ring on. This really upset me and when she fell asleep I decided to check her phone. When I went to check it, she had changed her passcode and I could not get in. I had never had any reason to check her phone and I had known her code in the past and this had not been an issue, so naturally I was beginning to wonder what was going on even more. Well I was still able to figure out how to check her messages and realized she was texting a male co-worker that she had not ever mentioned to me except in that he was her manager. Most of the texts were harmless, but they were beginning to be more frequent and asking how her horse shows went and what she was up to on the weekends. She did have a text asking if he "would like to do something after work besides sleep. lol that sounded dirty, you know what I mean". This upset me more, but I only confronted her about the rings the next morning. She said she had taken them off to clean her horse and forgotten to put them on the night before going out and I believed her. Even though I believed her, I was still concerned with what was going on with the texting and she had begun to be more secretive and protective of her phone. When asked about the new code, said she had to change her voicemail code at work and wanted to make it the same on her phone so she would remember. However, she never would tell me the new code. I found out I could check messages even if deleted by backing her phone up, so I lied to her and told her we needed to back up her phone so she doesn't lose everything (like she did a couple months earlier when her phone broke). I was able to do this and check text messages that she was deleting. Her co-worker began texting even more and began to have some flirtatious texts such as telling her her butt is golden and asking her how her night out is going at 1 in the morning. I confronted her finally about the texts and she at first was apologetic and admitted that they were wrong. She said they would not happen again. From here, she quickly turned the thing around on me and got upset that I lied to her and had been acting like things were great between us since things had been bad before. She also said she needed to change her code again, and she did. Well not needing to know her code, I checked her messages again and found that she was still texting this guy and deleting most of their conversation. I confronted her again about this almost a week later, and she blew up on me saying she changed the code to test me, and began questioning how I saw her deleted messages. I confessed to being able to read them from backing up her phone. This angered her even more. Most of the texts are meaningless, as in what are you doing this weekend, how was your night out, things like that, but there were a few flirtatious ones. As far as I know, they have only hung out a few times outside of work and never alone, but she has hid that from me. I only know this because of her texts. I feel horrible for having to snoop like I did, but felt she was leading me down that path. I feel like she won't take blame for anything that has happened or how this went down. We had already discussed going to counseling and have our 1st session scheduled before I confronted her with all this. She says she will still go, but we have barely talked in the last couple of days. She says I am fake and that she can't trust me with the lies I have given her. My first big question is, am I completely wrong for doing what I did? Should I have just trusted her that nothing was happening? Secondly, it just doesn't seem that she is really fighting to make things right accept for agreeing to go to therapy? Are we ultimately heading towards a divorce? I love her with all my heart and do not want this to happen. I have been trying my best to make this work. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated. One last bit of info, we have had no intimacy going on almost 3 months now too...
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Yesterday, 05:41 PM	? #4 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: IL Posts: 1,482	Oh em gee. Quote: She says I am fake and that she can't trust me with the lies I have given her. The above is called deflection. Guilt will sometimes cause a person to turn it all around and shift the blame onto you when in actuality, the entire situation was created by them in the first place. She will use this to manipulate you whenever she's cornered or caught in inappropriate behavior. So far it's worked because you feel bad for what you found rather than she feeling bad for what she was doing that was found out. Quote: My first big question is, am I completely wrong for doing what I did? Should I have just trusted her that nothing was happening? Secondly, it just doesn't seem that she is really fighting to make things right accept for agreeing to go to therapy? Are we ultimately heading towards a divorce? 1) No you're not wrong for doing it. You suspected something and you took action to find out if there was merit to your suspicions. You're married. No such thing as privacy in a marriage IMO. 2) How can you trust her when she's been found to be sneaky and engaged in inappropriate behavior? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on ME. She's caused the distrust within you. If that means you have to check from time to time to see if she's sincere about not engaging in the distrustful behavior, then so be it. She started it, now she should reinforce trusting behavior to help you feel secure. 3) If you need marriage counseling to work through this she should be willing to do it. Without question.
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Yesterday, 06:17 PM	? #8 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: May 2011 Location: Texas Posts: 5,464	No you were not wrong. The secrecy needs to stop immediately. A good start is her giving you her passcode. No intimacy in three months is a problem. Her relationshiop with her boss is very suspect, not just because of the inappropriate texts but because she has been hiding this. Inappropriate behavior has turned into unfaithfulness when she passworded her phone and hid things. You should do His Needs Her Needs together. Especially the boundary setting. __________________ Never compromise your fundamental boundaries or values out of fear. Your boundaries support the integrity of your inner self. "If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?" -- Confucius Last edited by Entropy3000; Yesterday at 06:58 PM.
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Yesterday, 07:14 PM	? #14 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: May 2011 Location: Texas Posts: 5,464	Quote: Thank you for the advice so far. Quick update, got a call from her tonight asking if I called HR on this guy and I didn't though I had thought about it (found out he is a druggie too...). But rather than, agree that it was appropriate for someone to turn him to HR, she accuses me of doing it. It is funny that it happened and how it happened though. I have a really close friend for almost 20 years now, who works there and helped her get the job. Well I had called him a few days ago asking what he knew of this guy and said he had made some flirtatious texts and was texting my wife a lot not related to work. He got pissed and turned him in to HR. Oh and apparently he got mad with a few women about being brought in to HR. So sounds like my wife isn't the only one, just the only married one... A druggie? WTF? What kind of work is this? Ok, this would be enough for me. NFW I would put up with my wife working there another f'ing day. __________________ Never compromise your fundamental boundaries or values out of fear. Your boundaries support the integrity of your inner self. "If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?" -- Confucius
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